Loss....

Experiencing loss in a season of hopeful expectation...

There’s never been a time in my life that I haven’t dreamed of being a mama. It’s just deep within my soul. There’s nothing else that I’ve prayed more about and I just have always known that I was called to mother. I’ve second-guessed myself in most areas of my life but never when it came to motherhood. I just have always known. And with every baby that I’ve had, I still come to moments where I’ll look around the room and just know that someone else was missing, that I had another child meant to be part of our family. My husband and I both have felt it. I remember sitting in a parking lot with my husband, early on an Easter morning while we were waiting to go lead worship a few years ago and talking to him, asking him if it’s crazy to have more babies, and he looked at me and said,

 “Once you see their faces, you’ll never question it”

My children have asked for years for us to have more babies. I’ve felt it in my heart that same desire. 

October and November were full of beautiful highs and really sad lows in our family. We couldn’t wait for Thanksgiving to come so we could finally tell our family the sweetest news. But we went from celebrating a new life on the way to grieving the loss of that same life. We all fell in love with this child. We all dreamed and prayed over their life.

My body grew as quickly as my heart did. And although I’ll never get to see their face or hold their little body in my arms, their life was felt by my body. Everyday that I’ve been sick (and still am), has been a reminder of their life. I’m still walking through it all and feeling unable to fully heal because I’m still waiting for more pain to come until this is over. The waiting is hard. I go from feeling everything to feeling numb to feeling everything again.

But this is what I do know in the midst of all this heartache… 

That every perfect gift comes from the Father and that this child was created and loved more deeply by his Creator than I’ll ever know. 

This child was not a mistake or a mess-up or an accident. 

This child was a miracle, just like every other child is. 

This child has brought my heart closer to Jesus and given me deep soul-searching faith in a good good Father. 

I’ve believed for this child and prayed over this child. 

I’ve played worship up to my belly and spoke hope and healing and belief all over this child.

I’ve had a beautiful group of godly women standing with me in prayer for this child, holding me up and standing with me in hope. 

This child has left a forever imprint on our family. 

Knowing that in the Bible John was filled with the Holy Spirit in his mama’s womb the moment Jesus, in His mama’s womb, entered the room, I’ve always prayed over each of my babies that they would encounter the presence of Jesus from my womb too… And God answered that prayer for this child. It wasn’t the answer that I expected, but knowing that this sweet one will only ever experience the love of God is beautiful. I trust the Lord with every fiber inside of me and this experience doesn’t change that. I’ve seen the Lord do miracles after miracles in my life and the miracle that I prayed for didn’t happen the way my mind wanted it but a miracle still happened. Life was given and felt and experienced… I don’t understand everything and my heart is still grieving but my confidence and trust is in the Lord… 

“Of one thing I am perfectly sure: God's story never ends with ashes.” (Elisabeth Elliot)

My husband came home with this phrase from Dr. Seuss engraved: “A person’s a person no matter how small”